I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
