you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
