I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
