I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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