I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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