im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
