I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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