Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
