I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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