i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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