she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
