This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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