Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
