what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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