he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
