Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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