hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
