Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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