i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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