She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
