I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Randomize
