ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
