If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
