I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
