I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
