he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
