I feel like I'm in dance class right now
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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