ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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