I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
