I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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