Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
