dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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