She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The adults are the big ones right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
