Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
