Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
do nipples grow back?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
