I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
