i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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