im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
