Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
