Just took my morning after pill in the library
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
