I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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