we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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