i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
