i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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