If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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