I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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