Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
