I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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