I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
