dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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