my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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