The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
