I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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