They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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