I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You ate ashes out of my bong
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
