Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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