i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
