I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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