hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Randomize
