i already hear my dad disowning me
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
