My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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