when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
