Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
