well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
